Why I write my fics the way I do.... or Shampoo and Ukyo Visit. Ranma 1/2 Characters onwed by Rumiko Takahashi. US rights are Viz's. *** [Scene opens. We see a man lying asleep on a bed. He's wearing a t- shirt and underwear, and his comforter is wrapped around his legs. He's is tall, about 6'4", pale, and freckled all over. He is built like a linebacker - broad shouldered, wide-torsoed, thick-waisted. Whatever muscle tone he has is softened by a light layer of fat. He's almost, but not quite handsome, and has a short mane of black hair.] [The shot pans out to the whole room. We see books, video games, manga, a computer, and little else. A banging sound is heard. From behind the closed door, a voice is heard.] Voice: Hey, Chris! Wakeup! [The man on the bed rises, rubs his eyes, and grabs his glasses from beside the bed. They're rather thick.] Chris: [barely coherent] What? Voice: There's two girls at the door to see you! [Chris gets up and looks at his alarm. 6:30. He groans and falls back on the bed.] Chris: Tell them to give me an hour. Voice: [quitely] They're really hot. [Chris leaps out of bed and grabs his pants, pulling them on. He grabs a swig of stale Coke and mouthwashes with it while he does a quick hand- combing of his hair.] Chris: Send 'em in! [The door opens, and two extremely attractive asian girls enter. One has purple hair and is carrying what looks like two sticks with a metal beach ball on the end. She's wearing a form hugging purple outfit. The other has brown hair and is wearing rather masculine clothing. She has a large spatula strapped to her back, and a bandolier across her chest.] Purple-hair: You Chris Angel? Brown-hair: Writer of [she pulls out a sheet] "Here We Go Again," "The Reckoning," and "Siblings"? Chris: Yeah....[he suddenly takes a step back]...oh wow. Shampoo and Ukyo! [Sits at his computer and turns on the monitor, ignoring the girls. Screen comes up, and he opens a file, which he frantically starts to read.] Lessee....wait! [He turns to the two girls.] Why are you two here? Last I checked I didn't do anything that bad. [Looks the two girls up and down, suddenly realizing there are two extremely hot girls in his room.] Oh wow, what a dream. [Ukyo whips out her spatula and brains Chris.] Ukyo: Pervert! Chris: [rubbing his head] Gimme a break, I'm 22, male, and there's two centerfolds standing in my room. I'd be a pervert it I DIDN'T have a quick fantasy. [Shampoo brains him this time.] Shampoo: You be quiet and answer questions! Number one: Why you always give Shampoo stupid Mousse for husband? Shampoo want Ranma! Ukyo: As much as I'd hate to agree with Shampoo, why can't I get Ranma either? What's with Ryoga, Tarou, and that Arito guy? [Chris looks at them in amazement. He reaches for a manga, and flips to the back page. He shows the picture there to the girls.] Chris: Look familiar? Ukyo: Takahashi-sama. So? Chris: She says Akane gets Ranma. 'Nuff said. Shampoo: You give stupid excuse. Other writers no match Ranma and violent pervert girl, why not you. Chris: [blushing and looking away, we barely hear him speak.] Cuz I like you too much. Ukyo: [yelling, looking at him like he's a pervert] What! Chris: [louder] I like you too much, OK?! [to Shampoo] What the hell is wrong with Mousse anyway? He's kind, he's loving, he's smart, and he thinks that you are the be-all-end-all of creation. [To Ukyo] And you! Ryoga's a great guy! So he's not a jerk like Ranma, that only puts him one up. Tarou's everything Ranma is with a good chunk of brains and not nearly half the ego! And Arito's Ranma's superior in every way! [Under his breath] Besides, no one gets Ranma in that one. Shampoo: Aiyah! You kill Ranma! [She tries to grab Chris by the shirt and lift him up. Chris stands and Shampoo ends up lifting herself up.] You no kill husband! Shampoo kill! [She makes a strike with her bonbori, but Ukyo's spatula blocks. Shampoo drops from Chris's shirt.] Ukyo: Wait a second, sugar, I want to hear this. If you like us so much, why won't you give us Ranma? Chris: [sighs] Look, when I write, I try to develop a personal feel for my characters. Look at my writing. Almost all of it's from a guy's standpoint. I make friends, in my mind, with the guys, and [voice drops to barely audible] fall in love with the girls. [Ukyo looks at him in amazement. She exchanges a glance with Shampoo that could only be described as 'huh?'.] Shampoo: So you no let Shampoo have Ranma because you love her? You very mean! Why you not want Shampoo to be happy? Chris: [yelling] THAT'S NOT IT! [Shampoo and Ukyo are shocked by his vehemence, and take a step back.] When I portray Mousse, I put in a good chunk of me. Mousse is the guy who falls in love with the perfect girl, in his mind. There's a piece of me in there. Ryoga's manic- depressive personality reflects how I feel at times. My character Tenno, was many times the embodyment of how angry I feel at times. That entire fanfic was a release of my frustration with you people. Andrew is in many ways "me with Ranma's strength". Tarou is the cynic in me. Arito is the romantic. Ukyo: [Comprehension in her eyes.] So when you're fixing us up with all those guys, you're in essence... Chris: Fixing you up with a part of me. [Grins sadly.] Pathetic, isn't it? I'm in love with the ideal of a girl like you Ukyo, and like you, Shampoo. [Laughs.] Most people have one perfect woman, I have two. I feel like Kuno. Shampoo: This wierd. [Looks over at Ukyo.] Shampoo not like, but understand. At least Chris no write lemons. [Chris nods.] Shampoo let go, but you think about letting Shampoo have Ranma once, OK? [She turns on the patented Shampoo-cute smile.] [Chris nods enthusiastically.] Ukyo: [pats Chris on the cheek] They're not bad guys, Chris, I was just getting tired of constantly being broken up about losing Ranma. Just so me the same favor. Chris: [grins] Oh, you might. I'm even writing that one in my head. Of course, in that one you're really a guy...and you're competing with Ryoga...and Mousse...[He pales under Ukyo's glare.] Ukyo: There is NO WAY I'm gonna lose to Ryoga! Chris: Right. Mental note: Ukyo wins. [Shampoo and Ukyo leave the room, Chris follows and shows them to the door of the apartment. Chris runs back to his computer, opens up his calendar program.] Chris: [while he types] Things to consider: Lemon fics. Self insertion fics. Lemon self insertion fics. Lots of them. [A sudden flash of metal is seen, and a spatula embeds itself in the wall. Chris looks at it, pale.] Maybe not. *** Final notes: Hey, blame my subconscious, it came up with this. After I wrote it down, I did realize it's kind of true. It is simply the way I write, and to me, it makes sense. I mean, how can I make a guy fall in love with a girl if I can't feel the same thing for her myself?